Saying .yes. to someone.almost ended my life this past September. I was driving out to O.Fallon, MO, struggling to stay awake because of the 4 hours of sleep I had given myself the night before. You see.over the first few weeks of my internship here at the CSC, I had been up late fulfilling other people.s requests and denying myself. I lost the struggle to stay awake that morning and fell asleep shortly past the Missouri river on highway 64/40 only a few minutes away from work. The highway bent to the left.but my car did not. The side of my silver 2000 Ford Taurus SLAMMED at 70 MPH into a brand new 2008 Chevy Motor Home. If it were not for that motor home, my car could have ended up in the ditch on the side of the road. My wake-up call.my NOW moment.had just happened.

My problem was that I had become addicted to saying "yes" throughout college and now especially with this internship. To obligations, requests, events. really saying "yes" to anything relating to people. I thought that my "yeses" were a way to fully give of myself to others.at least that is how I rationalized it. How can I say "no" to another human being when they are in need? Before the crash, I truly believed that I should say "yes" to every request from people and that I was NOT free to say "no"...even if that need was really small.like just talking for a little bit. I ignored my freedom to refuse, to choose and was imprisoned by my compulsion to "yes." I failed to realize that saying "yes" actually led to missing out on other opportunities. When I was saying "yes" to stay up later at night and hear someone's problems, I was saying "no" to getting sleep and allowing myself to be more fully present for future interactions with people. Ironically, the more "yeses" I said actually led to countless more "no's" down the line.

After my crash, I found myself asking "Why can't I say 'no?'" Why can't I live with the thought of letting people down? Am I that insecure with myself? Do I really need to be that liked by others? After taking a really difficult and honest look at myself after my crash.I realized that the answer to these questions was ..yes." Out from the insecure and shy high school me rose this "Yes Man" that has given me self-esteem over the years. A self-esteem that has been far from lasting and required me to say more and more .yeses. to feel better about myself. I thought I was helping others for the right reasons, but to some extent.I was really just fulfilling a selfish need.

I wish I could stand up here right now and tell you about the progress I have made. But I cannot. I have done an absolutely terrible job at eliminating my addiction since the crash. I have only become more aware of the issue, which has tugged at something in the core of my being.in my soul. I am taking this challenge on for Lent...to say "no" and to be more intentional with my time because to some extent...my life is at stake. I challenge you like I am challenging myself...to look at your compulsions.your "yeses" or, in fact, even your "nos." What do you find yourself doing routinely that may not be that healthy? And more importantly.what are your underlying motivations for these compulsions? I see these addictions and compulsions all around me in this community. Students who are wayyy over-involved and have little time for themselves. Studying for hours upon hours for tests, signing-up for way to many activities. Adults! Don.t think you.re getting out of this one! I see you unable to say .no. to your bosses and your friends.working far too many hours and giving up too much of yourself to your friends. When does all of this end? When you die??? Where is your time for yourselves? Where are your .nos?.

My crash and my awakening has given me a sense of urgency to make changes in my life. To be more intentional with my choices.with my "yeses." The time to change is NOW! Not after the next Orgo test.or after this weekend's partying.or after this school year. The only thing you have guaranteed in life is this moment happening right NOW! If you are not going to change it now, then when are you ever going to change it??? To put off saying your "no".standing up against your compulsions.making a change for the better.To put off any of these is to give up. NOW is happening right NOW. This Lent is the most important opportunity we have. These 40 days could truly revolutionize our lives. This moment is our awakening. Don't wait...do something with this awakening. You may not be as lucky as me in your crash.

Question: What would it mean to be the person you want to be right now?

What do you think of when you hear the word RAW? Maybe something crude, harsh, or untrained. But I have decided that for me to be the person I want to be right now, I want to be raw. Raw in the sense of being painfully open. Painfully open to the here and now. To explain this sense of being raw, I.ll use the three letters R, A, and W. They may bring different words to mind for you than for me. But this is what I understand raw to be.the R represents the Real within us. To be real, we work to have a clean heart. We go through a kind of spring cleaning during Lent to return to God. .Even now, says the Lord, RETURN to me with your WHOLE heart.. One way I return to God is through personal prayer, though I have not been very focused or intentional about that prayer time lately. Maybe it.s because I am praying right before I fall asleep, or when my thoughts are scattered, instead of making time when I am alert and focused to sit and be with God. I bury God under excuses and drooping eyelids and busy schedules instead of letting him show me what is real about me. But this Lent I have hope that no matter how I may have buried God, his love and grace are still there, waiting for me to return. The real in us becomes fully awake if we dedicate our whole heart to this return, even the hurts and the aches that remain locked away. We are releasing ourselves to God and reconnecting with what is real. How can we be painfully open to this change, a change that leads to something raw?

If we are going to be Real with an R, then we.ve got to Appreciate with an A. One thing I know I am working on changing is how much I appreciate the present moment and the beautiful potential that rests in each second. We have no clue how many more moments we will share together, or what kind of life can be lived tomorrow, next month, next summer, next year. Or if we even have a next year. In this limited time, the real self we embrace can be continually open, even painfully open to sharing itself and jumping full force into each moment. Appreciating happens in big and small ways, even simply yet honestly saying .I love you.. When I visited my brother John in Atlanta a few weeks ago, I enjoyed our time together, time that we very rarely get to share. When he drove me to the airport, I got my bags, gave him a hug, and he asked me to call him when I landed in St. Louis. I said I would, and walked away. I didn.t say I love you. I don.t remember the last time I did say it to him. I wanted to. My family is not really touchy-feely, and I don.t ask them to be. But in that moment, I failed to appreciate the present and I neglected naming what was there, what is still there. I was painfully closed in my love for John and from his love for me. Goodbyes are important to me, and what I have seen of death in this world reminds me that the time to appreciate is now, the time to savor love is now, the time to be real, to be raw, is right now. No matter how painful it may be. I know I have waited a lot in life.saying I will change after I finish this project, after I graduate, when I actually have more money, when I have time. But today we are reminded that now is a very acceptable time, now is the day of salvation. If today is the day of salvation, then how much work do we have to do right now to be painfully open?

If R is for being Real, and A is for Appreciating, then the W of RAW stands as a Witness. A witness to the Gospel, for .we are ambassadors for Christ, as if God were appealing through us.. We are witnesses in the acts, sacrifices, additions, and subtractions we make this Lent. You know, being a witness to the Gospel scares me. It means I am painfully open to the Holy Spirit working in my life and reaching down to the rawest part of my soul. The part that only comes alive with the gift of grace. We are witnesses to that grace in the I love you.s we share and the moments when we reveal what is painfully real about ourselves. But we are also witnesses in silence, behind that closed door, praying to God. Silence when we would complain about the amount of work we have this week, this day, this next three hours. Maybe we could stop and witness to this Gospel and keep our spirits up on through the studying, through the struggles, through whatever the workday brings. Maybe we don.t have to try and out do each other with our schedules and blow our own trumpet for all to hear. Maybe we could stretch our perspectives to see past this current moment and evaluate what really matters in life right now.

In a few moments, we will be marked by ashes and wear them as a witness to the Gospel, as an appreciation for the life within us, as a real path to what is raw for each of us. We gather today in community to experience this painful openness together. In order to be faithful to today and to the next 40 days, we need each other along the way. I need you along the way.